facebook: friend or foe?

So, I've been pondering writing a post about social media, and facebook in particular, for a while now, and I've decided today is the day..

Lots of what I've seen/heard regarding the relationship between social media and happiness is fairly negative. In a nutshell these theories go something like this:

That whilst living our lives online we are missing out on living our lives off line. That while paying so much attention to the virtual world we are able to pay less attention to the real world. That by mindlessly following every last status update or tweet we are not being mindful from moment to moment. That by trying to capture and publish everything all the time we're not able to be fully present in it actually happening. You get the idea.

But that's not all.

There is also talk of a certain inferiority complex coming into play, in two ways. Firstly by always seeing everybody else having more friends, more fun and generally more of a life than you and secondly by constantly pressing refresh to check if anybody has 'liked', commented or retweeted you or your stuff in the last few seconds.

That by being 'always on' there is nowhere to hide, to get back to us, and all that jazz.

and I'm sure there's more.

So ok, like all things in life, there are pitfalls to be aware of, and I can recognise at times I have done all of these things myself. There is an element of "will anybody read this/like this/care" with writing a blog in itself, for example, and I must confess to having spent many an evening scrolling up and down facebook trying to find somebody doing something interesting rather than getting up off my arse to do something interesting myself, for example.

BUT. this is because of my already existing issues and complexes and not a fault of social media. It's not facebook's fault if I don't have a life. Its not Instagram's fault if I'm fiddling about choosing filters on my scene rather than being in it for real. It's not twitter's fault that I forget to put my phone on silent and 8million new tweets beep at me all night.  I could have turned it off if I'd wanted/remembered to.

a lovely afternoon arranged on facebook...

But it IS thanks to twitter and its wonderful #s that I have at my fingertips a whole wealth of info, articles and comments that help me write this blog and keep me up to date in my job. It is thanks to LinkedIn that I am part of several huge learning communities and networks I would never have met otherwise. And it is thanks to facebook that not only am I able to find and follow like minded organisations and communities for added inspiration, not only am I able to share updates & photos with my family abroad (when they were abroad), not only am I given a platform to share both my blogs, but it is also thanks to facebook that I am able to get back in touch with friends who otherwise may have been lost to me forever. And I don't care what anybody wants to throw at it, or however much anybody wants to claim that social media is ruining my life, without it my life would have less sharing, less opportunity, less connectedness and at least one less lost and re-found friend.

...with a lovely friend re-found on facebook

And every single bit of happiness science or research would have to agree that these are the very building blocks that make up happiness, not the poison that threatens to undermine it. They certainly make me very happy anyway.

So, facebook, you have my 'like'. I vote friend, not foe.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

I have just spent 4 days on module one of my NLP Practitioner course. 4 long days, that went strangely quickly. 4 confusing days, that made total sense. 4 days with total strangers, who I feel as if I've known for much longer. And now they're over, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself until module 2. So I thought I would share something.

We were given some homework. Our homework was to write a passage using sensory based language from all 5 representational systems. In English, that means using language that evokes/relates to all 5 senses.

And then we were asked who wanted to volunteer to stand at the front of the class and read theirs out.

I didn't want to.

I may have presented to clients umpteen times at work, taught classes full of rowdy Italian school children and sung in choir concerts in front of friends and family. But that doesn't mean I actually want to stick myself in front of  bunch of people and 'perform' any more than I have to.

I get nervous, and horribly so. My chest thumps, my head pounds and my stomach feels as if a whole host of iron butterflies are running amok. Not to mention the red hot poker that stabs through my shoulder blade, the vice like grip across my chest that threatens to prevent my lungs from ever filling fully again and the niggling little voice that says I'm going to do it wrong. Whatever 'wrong' means.

So, no, thank you very much, I did not want to volunteer to read out my homework.

But somehow, there I was, doing it anyway.

and it went like this:

"I was SO hungry when I left the session yesterday, my tummy all rumbly grumbly. But, mmm, I could just taste the creamy crunchy fish pie and the tingly tart bubbles of pink raspberry lemonade that were waiting for me at home.  So I skipped out of the hotel lobby, past the glowingly tempting Starbucks siren and on to the red-blue light of the tube.
Too many people...bump, dodge, stumble and...Trip, on to the platform, nostrils tickling with the sooty whatever it is of the underground. A man, with his ticket flap-flapping. A gaggle of girls yack-yacking. As the train went along clack-clacking. The odd screech of metal. A sudden flash of orange and the air was alive with tangy sweet citrus, teasing torture for my troubled tummy. I wibbled and wobbled, and very nearly toppled right into the squishy soft lap of a steely eyed lady. But managed to grab on just in time...bar oddly cold in the stuffy carriage, not to mention worryingly clammy.
"Mind the gap" warned the tinny tannoy. But I don't mind the gap, what's it ever done to me!? I'll just hop over it.
Whoosh as the train chunters off, hair flying all over the shop in the breeze as nice new air swooshes in to fill the space, cool, fresh and welcome on my skin.
Now out of breath and chest heaving as I (foolishly) run up the steps to catch my train. Out into the bustling bright station. People everywhere. Too many people really. Something's up. Ah, yes, the familiar little, yellow writing on black overhead signs. Squinting...not my favourite words:
Cancelled. Delayed. Cancelled.
Sigh. Stomach sinks. Brow furrows. Hands reach for phone.
My fish pie will have to wait, I am definitely going to be late"

So there we are, my homework.

I don't think JK Rowling will be quaking in her boots.

But the point is, maybe I don't need to be either. Whatever need is.

After I'd finished everybody smiled, and clapped, and laughed and a whole host of lovely things were said...and that felt nice.  Iron butterflies softened into pretty pastel wings, softly beating before quietly fluttering off.

Lesson learnt, job done. Roll on module 2.

Ticket giveaway - True Peace and Happiness in the Here and Now

Hello lovely readers, I have a bit of a special treat for you today

I have two tickets to a wonderful talk tomorrow night at the Royal Festival Hall with Thich Nhat Hanh, which is now sold out.

Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that the conditions we need to be peaceful and happy are already present - in the here and now - and we can connect with these conditions through the practice of mindfulness.  For more info on him and the talk tomorrow (Thursday 29th) please click here

As a big fan of happiness and mindfulness I bought the tickets as a bit of a birthday present to myself (as that is also tomorrow) but am actually not able to use them myself now after all.

So, since one of the fundamental facets of happiness is to give to others, rather than let the tickets go to waste I would like to give them away to somebody else to enjoy.

I don't want any payment in return, but it would be nice if you could instead donate to Action for Happiness.  Here is some info from them:

"Action for Happiness is a movement for positive social change. We're bringing together people from all walks of life who want to play a part in creating a happier society for everyone.

For fifty years we've aimed relentlessly at higher incomes. But despite being much wealthier, we're no happier than we were five decades ago. At the same time we've seen an increase in wider social issues, including a worrying rise in anxiety and depression in young people. It's time for a positive change in what we mean by progress"

here's a video too

Please visit their website for more info or click here to donate.

Now I must confess I don't have the tickets on me today, they are at home so I can't confirm exact seat numbers or anything but they were around the £25 mark each...I can confirm specific details either this evening or tomorrow morning.

Since I physically have the tickets we'll need to arrange either a pick up from my office behind Selfridges/ somewhere nearby or I can courrier them to somewhere...we can sort that later!

So, please let me know either via facebook or the comments bit of this post if you would be interested and I will be happy to let you have them.

too much of a good thing?

I've just read an article on Psychology today as part of the Happiness Chronicles entitled "is there a dark side to happiness?"

The article looks at recent psychological enquiry into whether or not happiness is always a good thing or are there times when actually being happy is more of a negative.

Now, firstly I guess we have to remember that psychology is a science and therefore it is only right and proper that they examine every concept from every possible angle and that they also try to disprove their original theories...that being the point of most scientific research and advancement.

Secondly, and following on from the first point, most facts and theories and statistics can be used to make pretty much any point you want depending on how you use (or twist) them.  I read an article in the papers a few weeks back that had managed to find reasons why things we know to be massively unhealthy are actually good for us. They found positives in smoking, drinking, eating lard etc. They weren't advocating we take up all of these things, merely pointing out that those alternative facts and view points also existed.

So I sprinkled a liberal dose of salt over the article before continuing.

Their main points are as follows:

1. Being too cheery can make us take more risks, which is dangerous
2. Being in happy mode can dampen our flight or fight mechanisms, so I guess we end up grinning manically at the bear instead of running away from it, or skipping gaily into oncoming traffic, for example?
3. Constantly being happy has diminishing returns so after a while the high just wears off
4. Constantly striving for happiness can just lead to more disappointment

So there we go.

I don't disagree with any of these points (and who am I to disagree with eminent psychologists anyway!?). But I don't necessarily agree whole heartedly either...surprise!

Here's what I think.

Being 'happy' can never be bad for you.

But being manic, or over-excited, or over stimulated can be. Being manic can lead you to take silly risks, being over excited can be exhausting and being over stimulated can cause you to withdraw, for example. Being any of these things could blind you to any potential imminent danger. Having your head in cloud cuckoo land is not particularly practical.

So yes, having too much positive stimuli can very quickly turn bad...even if it doesn't feel that way at the time. Bit like vodka really.

But none of these states are the same as being 'happy' and that's what annoys me a bit about these things.

There is a scale. If you have depressed at one end, and manic at the other, happy comes in between. Over stimulation causes you to slip out of happy into manic, or the opposite back down towards depression.  Or a balance. Happy is right in the middle...a happy medium, when everything is in balance. Slip either side, the balance is lost, and you've moved out of the happy zone. To use the vodka thing again. No vodka = sober. Shit loads of vodka = blind drunk. a bit of vodka = a bit tiddly (and probably rather happy!). Vodka is the thing we can have too much of, not the states we pass through as we move along the scale.

If what they are saying is what we already know and what applies to just about everything in life, which is that everything is fine in moderation but too much good stuff eventually leads to bad stuff, then fine. That makes sense.

But I repeat, you can't have too much happiness.

And I don't agree with their last two points either.  I think it's semantics again but I love picking on those so here I go again.

Constantly being happy has diminishing returns so the high eventually just wears off. Really? Do they really mean happiness here or are they referring to euphoric highs? I would have thought it was pretty much impossible without the aid of some sort of illegal drug to be in a permanent state of euphoria!? I don't believe that the comfy warm glow of being happy (as in content) wears off. I do believe moods change and you won't always feel that glow, but I don't believe that being happy a lot means you stop actually feeling it.

And the final point, about always chasing happiness just leading to disappointment? Major fail in understanding the true underlying root and meaning of happiness.  You can't pursue it, you can't chase it. It doesn't work like that. There are bits and bobs you can do to improve your overall state of wellbeing so that in the long run you are more open to happiness more often, but going after it for its own sake is just a mega fail waiting to happen. So maybe I do agree with them then...I just don't agree with their wording, as usual. I agree that chasing happiness for its own sake is not likely to actually bring about happiness. What I don't agree with is that this is evidence to support the theory that too much happiness is bad for you since in that instance happiness isn't actually achieved in the first place!

To be fair, I'm commenting on an article written about the original research so who knows what words were used in the first place.

But either way, its all daft. There is no such thing as too much happiness and that's just the end of that!

whether the weather...

Isn't it a beautiful day!

I know the theory is that external circumstances don't really have too much to do with our happiness levels, but come on, surely this weather helps?

I had to be up and out of the house early this morning for physio and it was glorious already at 10am. Then I walked back via the park and just moseyed around with my sunnies and just a t-shirt on (well, I had jeans on too!). Lovely. I enjoyed shopping in Sainsburys (unheard of) picking out all sorts of nice healthy things to make and I even enjoyed lugging it all back home again through town, smiling at everybody I passed. (They'll probably come to collect me later to cart me off to the home). As soon as I got in I flung open all the windows and doors to let the lovely little birdy chirruping and the spring breeze drift through the house, and I've decided to spring clean the entire kitchen with some nice music on. Which I will also enjoy.

I know I wouldn't be relishing half of those things half as much had it been pissing it down.

However, I also know that I was already in a good mood and high of spirits. I know this because I do a daily mood test thingy and the last time I did it I was at 87% which is pretty high.  So, has the jolly weather made me jolly or has my already being jolly made me jolly well appreciate the jolly weather even more?

I'm going for the latter. I'm pretty sure that if I was in a bad, sad, or disgruntled mood today, the weather would have just annoyed me. I'd have been too hot. Or there'd have been too many people in town. I'd have snarled at the 'idiots in shorts'. Or I'd have wailed at the sun who'd surely come out only to mock me in my despair.

And actually, had it been raining, in my happy mood I'd have probably just splashed through the puddles in glee and laughed at my ratty hair slapped across my face. Or so I'd like to think anyway.

Which led me to think of the children's song:

Whether the weather be fine,
Or whether the weather be not,
whether the weather be cold
or whether the weather be hot
We'll weather the weather
whatever the weather
Whether we like it or not!

Well I definitely like it today. And I say balls to bad moods when it's like this outside! I shall be singing a different song instead:

The sun has got his hat on
Hip hip hip hooray
The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out to play!

YAY!

word!

I have just discovered something that satisfies many of my geekinesseses...which isn't a word.

Ironic really, since words and language and the origins of such are the subject of this here post.

I've been so concerned here with the meaning of happiness, and the science of it and the bits and bobs that help you get it that I've not once considered the origins of the word itself. Which is totally bonkers as I am a bit of a geek when it comes to language and etymology.

So, imagine my delight when  I stumbled upon a blog this evening that talks of this very thing!

Seems there's a bit of a debate as to when it first appeared in the wonderfully eccentric language that is English with some sources saying it wasn't until the 16th Century but others finding evidence of 'happy' appearing earlier in the 14th Century.

Regardless of when it came into being, it seems we're all agreed that it originates from the stem 'hap'. Which if you think about it crops up quite a lot, in words like 'happenstance', 'mishap', 'haphazard', 'perhaps' and 'hapless'. Where 'hap' means 'chance' or 'good luck'.  I actually can't believe I hadn't spotted this before.

In fact, it turns out a lot of the earlier European words for happy originally meant "lucky" apart from the Welsh word which when first used actually meant "wise".

Seems the Welsh were onto something here! I'm with them on this one. There's really nothing lucky about it.

Happiness has little to do with chance and good fortune but much to do with the choices you make, the opportunities you grab, the view you choose to take.   Being unlucky simply means not being open to the opportunities life presents, being closed to possibility.

Wisdom is in fact key, as the Welsh suggested all along. Even the serenity prayer says so:

"God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

But, you could say that this post has fortuitously come as a result of my  accidentally 'happening' upon some other article, which in turn made me happy. But did I really 'happen' upon it? Or did I choose the path myself by setting out on this happiness journey in the first place, and signing up to the blogs and newsletters I thought would most enrich and entertain me along the way? And then dedicating time every day to reading them?

Some people have all the luck. But only because they set out to have it.

Word!

friends

Every bit of science, and every bit of non-science I have read about happiness lists friends as a key ingredient.  Surrounding ourselves with close friends makes us more happy. Fact.

In fact I would say that you don't even have to 'surround' yourself with them. Neither in number nor in proximity. But having a handful of really good friends, you know the sort, you know the old analogy about radiators and drains? We're talking radiators here. Just having these friends in your life,  and knowing that they are there, and they you.That's all it takes.

And I can prove it.

I can prove it with two little things that have happened to me this week.

I had a best friend at primary school. As we all did. But we grew up and life happened and we lost touch. But then through the wonder of facebook we found each other again a few years ago. And I delight in every status update, revelation of shared passion, and 'like' we share as I realise more and more that despite not having seen each other for more years than I care to count, we are still what I would consider 'friends'. And even better? Having recently moved to the States she will soon be back home visiting the town we both grew up in, and we're going to meet for a cup of tea. And I can't wait. Ok, a teeny weeny part of me is a bit nervous or something, but the other 99.999% is just really excited! I just think it's really nice.  So, our relationship has been neither close in terms of actual geography, nor in terms of frequency of meeting, but it makes me smile and it makes me happy nonetheless.

Lovely Lucy with lovely Leo

And then today I met a friend for lunch. A friend I haven't seen for about 7 months while she's been off to have a baby, but we slotted back in as if we'd seen each other every single day of those 7 months. We had both been really looking forward to meeting and were both genuinely delighted to see each other. And truly interested in each other, to hear each others news and views. We nattered and chatted about this and that, about big things and little things and about nothing in particular. It really was truly lovely to see her, to spend time together and to watch her being so relaxed and happy and joyful with her baby, and it's so nice to be able to just relax and be 'me' too.



These little things are really important, and I'm truly grateful for them.

And in pondering this post I'm also reminded of all the little things my close girl friends have done for me over the years, whether it be sending me flowers when I'm poorly, or clubbing together to whisk me off to a spa to when I'm down, or give me a cuddle when they know I'm trying to be brave about saying goodbye to my mum in Dubai...not to mention being in Dubai with me for my hen do in the first place.

And I'm grateful for all of these things too, and more besides.

So you see, it is true. Friends make you happy, fact. But I think that realising this, really being aware of it, not taking them for granted but instead being truly thankful not just for every little thing they do, but also for just being there at all, makes you even happier. Thank you.