Wednesday, 3 June 2015

Self Preservation Society

So, the plan for today was get up early, write a load of reports, prepare a load of healthy food, go to the gym, go to school for a meeting, stay late at school marking, rush, rush, do, do.

That's on top of a couple of nights of not sleeping well at all, sciatica trying to take hold, period pains (which carry a whole load of other connotations and echoes I'm not going to go into here) and 2 very late nights at school already.

And we're only on day 2 of a nearly 8 week term during the first three weeks of which I have 30 reports to write, 3 observations to prepare for and endure, a new child starting in my class, governors visiting, workshops and various other schedule changes and goodness knows what else.  Oh, and an NQT year to complete.

So it's not a massive surprise that this morning I woke up with an almighty, ouch-I-don't-think-I-can-actually-move headache and the snuffles.

My initial reaction was 'groan', great, thanks, how I am I supposed to get on with my plan now then?

And then I decided perhaps I just needed to make a new plan.

Instead of rushing and racing around like I'm some kind of superwoman (which, clearly I am, just not today), maybe I just need to slow down and sit back a little.  It's going to be pretty impossible to survive the longest term in the world if I'm already pushing myself to breaking point on day 2.

So I snuggled back down to try and get a little more sleep.  Then I took some time just to sit and be.  Then I got ready for the morning in a leisurely sort of way and sat and drank my hot lemon and drank a nice big glass of water.  Next I decided some very gentle restorative yoga would help, so to the mat I went.  I was just about to reach for my usual breakfast of a green smoothie when I realised I needed something much more warming and comforting so I made myself a lovely bowl of my favourite buckwheat porridge with manuka honey, cinnamon and fresh berries.

Finally, about 2 hours after I intended to, I sat down to write some reports, having first lit a candle under my oil burner with some lavender and rosemary oils which I just felt would help my head and snuffles.

Now I've taken a break to write this, and later on I might walk, leisurely to my meeting rather than dash there in the car, and maybe I won't go to the gym tonight after all.  It depends on what feels best for me at the time.

None of this is massively exciting or ground breaking, so why have I felt the need to blog about it?

Because actually, for me it is quite massive and ground breaking.  It's not long ago that a day like today would have signalled disaster, uselessness and failure.  Stupid head for aching, stupid back for hurting, stupid nose for snuffling, stupid NQT year, stupid term, stupid observations, stupid reports... would have been going round my head.  I would have been beating myself up for being useless and lazy, getting up so much later than planned, not getting as much done as intended.  Or I would have swung the opposite way and like a petulant child declared woe is me and vegged on the sofa all morning eating crap and making myself feel worse, all the while feeling guilty for not doing anything useful at all yet continuing to rebel against the guilt by piling ice cream in my face and drivel into my eyes via the medium of TV and social media.

But today I don't feel guilty.  I feel under par, yes, but I'm listening to that rather than fighting against it. I'm being nice and kind to myself and giving myself a chance to pick back up.  I'm not sticking to my (as always overambitious) plan, but I'm not throwing it out in a strop either.  I'm flexing it, dialling it down where it needs it, steering around it.  Other days I dial up my plan.  Other days I achieve more than I thought I would, it'll all balance out in the end.

I'm doing what I can, with what I have, where I am right now.

And, finally, that's good enough for me.

1 comment:

  1. This makes so much sense to me- stumbled across this when I had no idea what to do about anything and was looking for some inspiration - some guidance - anything and I found this - thank you for making it feel like I am not alone

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