This year I vow to...

So, it's that time of year again.  As in the start of a new one.

I never know how I really feel about this time of year.  There's a sense of hope for the year ahead but a sense of burden around the work that'll need doing for that hope to come to fruition. There's a warm glow left over from all the merriment of Christmas and New Year celebrations, coupled with a tinge of sadness that it's all over for another year.  Did we enjoy it as much as we could? Did we do everything we wanted to?  Does it matter that I fell asleep before midnight on NYE for the first time ever!?

Part of me wants to tear down all the Christmas decorations, now gathering dust, fling open the windows and let the new year in properly and afresh. And part of me wants to put Elf on the TV, feast on chocolate oranges, invite the whole family round for games and pretend it's still December.

Instead, in the midst of this strange dilemma, I find myself doing neither, instead sitting here in my pyjamas at well past midday not quite being able to bring myself to do anything useful at all.  Apart from making a healthy smoothie and chucking yesterday's leftovers in my new slow cooker in my first attempt at slow cooker soup. Could be interesting.

I have a list of 'stuff' that 'needs' doing today.  Vegging out (again) was not on it.

And then there's that whole new year's resolutions thing niggling away at me.

I'm not sure I've ever made a new year's resolution. I hate new year's resolutions.  For three reasons.

1. Because I don't understand why we have to wait for the first day of a new year to make changes for the better. There is never a perfect time for anything and hanging around waiting for 1 day out of 365 to start doesn't seem very sensible to me.  The right time is now, whenever now is.  Baby steps, all year round. Little by little, that's how changes are made. Not grand gestures on Jan 1st.  Plus change is about evolution isn't it? About moulding and adapting as you go...not blindly trying to stick to something daft you came up with on a whim on Jan 1st.

2. Because they don't work. There's loads of research and science out there (which I'm too lazy to look up and reference right now) that shows how and why new year's resolutions fail.  Mostly because the goals we set are normally too rigid and unrealistic.  Too big and not at all practical. And because we seem to have this all or nothing approach. For example, somebody who's never before set foot in a gym vows to sign up and go 4 times a week.  Which they do. For a week. Before realising that was ridiculous and they cant't keep it up so they stop altogether and eat a giant Toblerone to console themselves.  Maybe a better idea would have been to vow to walk for 5 minutes a day a few times a week. Then 10minutes, then when that becomes a habit, add in some weights etc.  Build on it as you go, scale it back if you get ahead of yourself. Little by little.  Build in some room for messing up.  Some people work best going cold turkey...but many of us don't.  Whatever it is we're vowing to do, chances are we're going to balls it up at least once.  Cue the harsh self chat: "I'm SO useless, I knew I couldn't do it. WHY did I have to eat/drink/smoke that!? I've RUINED it now. There's no point, I give up".  Or, how about you're human, it doesn't matter. Take it in your stride, pick yourself up and start again?

and finally, 3.  Because new year's resolutions always seem to somehow be so unkind to ourselves.  They tend to start from a point of negativity.  I'm so fat, I need to stop eating in 2014. I'm so unfit, I'm going to go to the gym 15 times a day.  I'm so rubbish with money, I'm going to do a budget and stick to it.  Ugh I'm so hungover and disgusting I am NEVER drinking again. etc.

Self improvement? great.  Becoming a little bit better at whatever it is? Fine.  Shoulding and needing and musting all over the shop? Not good.

To me, New Year's resolutions seem to be more about punishment and self loathing than about a fresh start. I'd like them a lot more if they were about being nicer to yourself, not continuing to berate yourself.  There's so much pressure. To get it right, to keep going. Yet scientifically we know we're doomed to fail.

And then I asked myself, why are we setting these resolutions anyway? Why is it we want to lose weight? Why do we want to save money? Why do we want to get fitter?

I bet, if we asked "why?" enough it'd all boil down to the same answer.  To be happier.

Which of us has honestly never said, "I'll be happier when..."?  And anyone who's read my blog before knows that's just not true either.  Read Shawn Achor, his Happiness Advantage is all about how that logic is totally the wrong way round.  Being happier is what helps you achieve success and not the other way around.

And with those thoughts mulling around in my head (which reminds me, I forgot to make mulled wine again this year. sigh.),  I decided I was going to set myself two new year's resolutions:

1. In 2014 I vow to be nicer and kinder to myself.  To not have a nervous breakdown every time I slip, make a mistake, fall behind and get it wrong.  I promise to accept imperfect over striving for 'perfect', to give myself a break, to keep my goals, ambitions and expectations realistic and my reactions to not meeting them in check.  For 2014 I vow to believe that, and behave as if, I am enough.

2.  In 2014 I vow to be happier.  To be grateful every day. To find opportunity in hardship. To smile and laugh and share.  To do more of what I know makes me happy and heed less that which does not. To be true to myself so that my thoughts, feelings and actions do not clash, but match.  To stop and notice and savour.  To cherish every moment so that when I get to this point next year, I can look back and say, wow, 2014, what a happy year that was.

What about you?

The choice...is yours

I've just seen an article entitled "if being happy is a choice, why are so many of us unhappy?".

There are many answers to this question and none of them are particularly clear cut.

But I think the main answer is this:

Because not all of us know it IS a choice.

This is pretty fundamental in my view.

and when I say know, I mean really know. Not just on an intellectual level. I mean know and understand and appreciate and assimilate and internalise. And believe.

And even just getting to that point can be incredibly hard work and take a lot of time.

It takes a huge shift in belief systems and thought processes to get to that point. It takes a lot to go from truly believing things are as they are in your life because of other people, because of circumstance, to believing that even in the face of those things you have the power to react differently.

It takes courage to be able to get to that point. Because in a way getting to that point means also admitting you previously had the choice to react differently, but didn't. It means considering the possibility that it's not everybody else's fault all of the time.

The thing about change, is that regardless of whether or not it's a change for the better or the worse, with it comes the loss of 'the before' All change is loss. All change is hard.  People become wedded to the way they are even if they don't want to be that way. And this is a big one when it comes to change.

The best way to help somebody make the choice to be happy, is to help them realise they have that choice in the first place. Once they realise there is a choice, it is much harder to actively choose unhappiness.

But until that person really, truly, fully embraces the possibility that there is a choice, it's just not theirs to make.

Stock taking

It's just gone 18.30 on the night before I start my teacher training. About 15 years after I didn't do it the first time I thought of it.

This time last year I was a month into a brand new job that I turned out to hate and that turned out to hate me just as much.

This time last month I had just finished another new job as an Early Years Practitioner at a local nursery.

Funny how time flies and how so much can happen along the way.

I feel like a lot has happened along the way over the last 18 months.  Some of it good, some of it bad and some of it downright ugly.

I had planned to use today to get myself all ready for tomorrow. Ready in terms of practical things like work out what I'm going to wear, get my lunch all made and pack my bags in advance. Ready in terms of physically; eat well, get enough sleep; keep active but not overdo it - rested but energised. Ready emotionally, if ever such a thing is possible. Relaxed, calm, excited.  Reflect on the journey that's got me to this point, take stock of what I've achieved with my time off over the summer.

And like all the best plans that's not quite what has happened.  I've just sat down now having spent pretty much the entire day trying to sort out documents and forms for a rather late in the day DBS check.  I can't even bring myself to explain the intricate and totally farcical chain of events that took place, suffice to say the hours spent at the bank, on the computer, yelling at the printer and traipsing to the Town Hall were not part of the original plan.

BUT, it has served to keep me occupied.  A part of me was really scared about today. How was I going to keep myself busy. What, of the million things I could do to prepare myself should I choose? Read my EYFS framework again? Make notes for my assignment? Go to the gym? Watch a film and just relax?  Whatever I chose I had a sneaking suspicion I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that I had therefore chosen NOT to do all the other things and that was making me panic a bit. 

So, on reflection, all has not been lost today. Luckily I had managed to fit in a spot of meditation before the farce began so was able to remain a little calmer than otherwise. And I decided to get up 10 minutes early every day to ground me for the new day ahead as I start this new chapter.
I now know all my documents are sorted for my DBS so I can put that one to bed in my head.
All my uni application forms are filled in and ready for the post box.
All my course info is all printed off and filed neatly.
My new diary and notebooks are in a nice pile ready to pop in my bag tomorrow.
There's a massive roast chicken just out of the oven ready to make into various lunches and dinners for the week ahead.
And I managed to get to the doctors to get some more medicine for this chest infection that won't shift and the sciatica that has noticed stress is in the air so decided to join the party.

Which brings me to now and the point of sitting here writing this. I wanted to look back and reflect on my August.  I put quite a lot of pressure on myself in the lead up to August around all the things I wanted to achieve with my time off.

I had a list of chores around the house. I had a car to get fixed. I wanted to spend time with friends, especially old friends not seen for a while, and spend time with mum whilst we were both off for the summer. I wanted to get a head start on my reading list for my assignment and I wanted to get my eating and exercise back on an even keel. I also wanted to just be, to get some headspace back before launching myself into my new career.

Did I achieve everything I set out to? 

No. Of course not.

The deck in the back garden still isn't oiled.  The bathroom cabinet still sits on the floor rather than hanging off the wall. The assignment still looms. The riding stables I had a voucher for has been somewhat elusive and so the ride I'd been looking forward to never happened. And so on.

On top of that I got ill. I've had a revolting chest infection since pretty much my first day of freedom.  And even before that I injured myself at the gym meaning I missed my last week of work at the nursery and setting me 10 days behind on my exercise and chore timetable.  I've now got sciatica and aching down both sides too.

But aside from that, what have I achieved?

I've spent time just with myself, just being me. Reading, swimming, watching films.  I tried something I've always wanted to try and went open water swimming in the local lake.  I picked up something I always used to love for the first time in decades and went on an outdoor sketching workshop.  I spent some lovely time lunching with my grandma.  I met up with old, current and new friends for walks, for coffee, for lunch, at the swings, just to chat.  I embarked on an online coaching programme and am starting to consolidate some great new habits around eating and exercising. As a result I have lost 6lbs and 13cms and gained a load of definition and determination as well as rekindled my love of the gym. And that's just the start.  The garden is transformed into a lovely oasis full of plants and loveliness we actually want to spend time in. The front garden too. The spare room has been cleared and sorted and put back together so it now has space for all my teaching and Phoenix bits and bobs and is a lovely place for me to just go and be.  All my drawers have had the same treatment, I now know where everything is, a huge relief.  I signed myself up as an ambassador for Happiness Happens month, wrote more blog posts than I've ever written before and picked up a load of new followers on The Happy Catalyst and Twitter.  I've been for walks and picnics with Alex and I have spent some really lovely time with my mum. Shopping, gardening, craft fairing, lunching, outdoor musical-ing, celebrating her birthday to our heart's content.  I couldn't have done much of what I've done without her help, in so many ways.  And she's even just brought round my very own pale blue bunny mug for the staff room...what more could I possibly need?

So I say goodbye to my August, my summer, my time off with a touch of sadness that it's all come to an end, but with much more of a sense of achievement, of contentedness, of gratitude, of satisfaction and of feeling blessed for all that it brought.

And while the year that lead to August was a bit of an odd one, with plenty of twists and turns and ups and downs, I am grateful that it's lead me to here. To 19.05 the night before I start my teacher training, 15 years since I first thought of it. The night before I go back to school again in more ways than one.

The night before the rest of my life.

I still don't know what I'm going to wear, but I do know, having now spent the time to sit and reflect, that I'm ready.

 

 

What Madonna knew about happiness

As much as I love Madonna (and I mean LOVE), it's not often that I find myself drawing upon her lyrics for inspiration of any kind, let alone for this here blog. I say often, in fact, ever. It is not something I ever envisaged myself doing.

Yet, here I am on day 28 of Happiness Happens month, about to do it.

Today is my mum's birthday and we put our full efforts into celebrating in the appropriate fashion, as we always do.  It felt like a really lovely holiday all day as we sat in the sun, swam in an outside pool (in England, a rare opportunity), drifted along the river on a boat...aaah, lovely.

So you'll understand why  'Holiday, Celebrate' popped into my head.

In the song 'Holiday', Madonna suggests we should all take some time out of life just to celebrate. To forget about all the bad times and the problems and just celebrate all the good stuff. Bring back the happy days.  Why? Because that would be so nice.  (I am actually singing these lyrics in my head as I'm typing them by the way!)

It would be SO nice.

And she's right, it really would. It would be more than nice, it would....release the pressure. She knew that too.

We are so pre-programmed to notice and dwell on rubbish stuff that it's too easy not to stop and take time to celebrate the good stuff.

And I don't just mean birthdays, anniversaries and the like, I mean little every day things too.

My family do celebrating like it's going out of fashion. If there were an olympics in celebrating things, we would enter.  I think it is SO important to recognise, acknowledge and celebrate any positive you can get your little mitts on.  A passed exam, a good day at the office, an extra weight added at the gym, a birthday, a reunion, a weekend, an evening, a sunny morning...whatever you can get your hands on.

I've heard many people say something like "oh, I don't really do birthdays/valentine's day/insert excuse for celebrating here" and I don't understand it. They may as well as be saying "oh, I don't do life".

Why not take every possible excuse for feeling good and having fun and celebrating each other as possible? In whatever way. I don't mean throwing huge parties and getting drunk and eating too much...although certain celebrations may also call for that...I mean stopping and spending time together, dwelling on whatever it is that you're celebrating, letting whoever's good news it is know how proud you are of them.

We often wait for that big pinnacle of success before we celebrate.  The big new job, the magic number on the scales, the golden wedding anniversary, the 4,000 A*s at GSCE or whatever other thing we're aiming for tomorrow.

What if tomorrow never comes? What if we're so busy heading for that big golden goal in the sky that we miss all the little signs along the way that we're already winning?  What about that interview you rocked (regardless if you got the job). What about that habit you stuck to all week (even if the stupid scales didn't shift). What about every day you wake up together and smile (even if you never make it to the big 50). What about all the effort and the hard work and the late nights spent studying, even if you didn't quite make the grade.

It's one thing being grateful for 3 things every day but surely we can do even better than that.

Life is so precious. Surely the least we can do is to do as Madonna says and, just once in a while take some time to celebrate it.

It really would release that pressure. It really would be SO nice.

Because happiness happens when we take time to celebrate the little things as well as the big.

Nevermind the lights and the camera, just take action

It's rainy. My head is full of cold. My tummy is full of last night's chinese. I'm pretty sure I can feel a little twinge in a muscle somewhere if I think about it hard enough. I just want to curl up on the sofa and watch TV.

But I have a gym workout scheduled.

I don't want to go.

At all.

In the slightest.

I have absolutely zero motivation to get myself out of the house, through the rain puddles and into my own puddles of sweat.  I can think of nothing I want to do less than spend several hours heaving and puffing and panting and straining.

Despite it being day 24 of Happiness Happens month, I am not at all feeling 'motivated.'

Mr. Motivator is NOT in my house at all today.

But, I still go.

How, I ask myself did I do this? If I can workout how I managed it this time maybe I can bottle it and call upon it next time I want to crawl into a dark hole until long after the gym has shut.

Here's what I came up with. My top 10 tips to give yourself a kick up the bottom when Mr Motivator hasn't showed up:

1. Find the intrinsic motivator, as opposed to fighting the external stuff.

External motivators are things like reward, pay, rules. Intrinsic motivators are all about you. Or me in this case.  My external motivator here was that I was supposed to go today, it's written on my programme that I go today. Whatevs, I could mix up the days and go tomorrow, no biggie. Not very powerful a kick up the bum.  The other external motivator is a societal one. Fat/unhealthy people are supposed to go to the gym if they want to get thin and healthy ergo I 'should' go to the gym.  Mmm, that has 'should' in it and therefore the only effect it has on me is to make me want to rebel and sit in a bath full of chocolate cake instead.
However, beyond all of that, deeper down somewhere a little voice says 'but you promised me'.  It's a quiet voice but I can't help but hear it and I know what it means. I have made a promise to myself that I will maintain my routine and I will be active 5 days out of 6.  I have made a promise to myself that wherever I have the choice, I will choose the option that best meets my needs and moves me closer to reaching my goals. My goals are to be stronger, leaner and happier.  Whether I like it or not right now, going to the gym is defo going to move me closer along towards my goal than lying down and eating more things. No question. I can't control my fat cells, or the scales, or my muscles, but I can at least try to control my behaviour. I can take action, and as long as I'm doing that I'm fulfilling my promise to myself.
So even while I'm paying lip service to cancelling, or going another day and just hibernating for the day, I'm putting on my gym kit and I know I'm going anyway.

2. Put on your gym kit...or take that first teeny step

It was filling me with fear and loathing in Maidenhead just sitting here thinking about the entire workout. Every rep of every set of every exercise, plus warm up, plus...snoooooooore. It was all a bit much to think about and was really putting me off going at all.  All good goal setting advice tells us to break unthinkable massive tasks down into manageable chunks. Great advice. But I'm going one step further.  Don't just break it into chunks, identify the one little thing you can do, not just today, but in the next 5 minutes that will help you get where you want to go.  In my case, very literally, the very next thing I could do to help me get where I wanted (or not) to go, was to get out of my pyjamas and into my gym kit.  An easy step to take but an important one in the right direction.  Once I'm all dressed up and ready to go, I'm much more likely to take that next step out of the door and much less unlikely to go backwards, take it all off again and get back into bed.

3. Just show up.

So, here I am in my gym kit.  All I have to focus on now is just showing up. Just getting to that gym. Once I'm there I'll do the workout. I'm hardly likely to get there and sit down for a few hours until it's time to go home.  Just showing up is the most important part.  Even when I was injured and couldn't do my workouts, I still just showed up. I went to the gym and walked very slowly on the treadmill so as to maintain some kind of routine, build up that "I'm the kind of person who goes to the gym regularly" muscle in my mind.  Just show up.

4. Don't aim for perfection.

Ok, so I'm not feeling my best, I'm unlikely to perform at my best...I may as well not bother. Incorrect.  Bother. Drop the perfection act, it doesn't exist.  Give yourself a break and accept that 100% is totally unattainable. Aim for 80% if you have to aim for anything.  I gave myself permission to not do my best workout ever today, as long as I showed up.

5. Just try to do/be a little bit better than yesterday.

For me, long term this means not falling down the 'I can't be bothered to go' hole and getting out there anyway. For me today, this meant increasing my weights on one of my exercises. Not all of them, and not by a lot, just a little on just one.  Another teeny step in the right direction.

6. Reflect on how far you've come and not how far is still left to go.

At one point this morning it flicked through my mind how pointless and hopeless this all was. As if one stupid little gym workout was going to make any difference in the long run. As if I was ever going to have the fit, lean, size less than it is now body I wanted. Sigh.  Then I thought about how far I've already come, I wondered if the 30 year old me would ever believe that the 36 year old me could squat, lunge and deadlift with the rest of them, wearing size not mahoosive gym gear at that. I remembered how hard today's workout was the first time I tried it and how not as hard it is now.  And that helped. Every day I notice something: a bit more flexibility here, a bit stronger there, a little more definition the other. I may not have reached the final shining pinnacle of my overall goal, but there are great signs all along the way that I'm heading in the right direction as long as I'm alert to them. But I didn't get to this point by some massive miracle all of a sudden. I didn't just wake up one day like it. I got here by showing up, taking the next little step and every day trying to be or do a little bit better than before. Today was no different, I just needed to do it....

7. Start today

...and, if there was one piece of advice I could give that 30 (or younger!) year old now, it would be to just start today.  It doesn't matter how long something will take, the time will pass anyway.  There is nothing more disheartening than reaching that time that originally seemed so far off into the future as to almost not really exist, and realising, if you'd just started way back then, you'd be there by now. Instead of still wishing, still hoping, still dreaming.  If you'd just taken action, just showed up, just started, you'd be there by now.

Nike were really onto something when they came up with that slogan weren't they?

8. Drive

Dan Pink, in his book Drive, talks about his view of motivation, largely based on Self Determination Theory and the importance of intrinsic motivational factors. He lists the three biggest drivers of human behaviour (and what is motivation if not a driver of behaviour) as: Autonomy, mastery and purpose.  What he means by these is a) having a say for yourself b) getting good at something and c) feeling a part of something bigger than yourself.  All three of these played a part for me today.

Knowing that I was choosing to go to the gym because I said so and not because somebody else said so and then giving myself permission to not perform at my best really helped.

The fact that I'm steadily mastering the moves, getting gradually better is a great motivation.

Plus, the programme I'm following is also being followed by a whole online community and I want to keep up, I want to chat about it in the forums. I want to feel a part of it.  If I don't go, I won't.  A gym class or an exercise club would probably have had the same effect. In fact just being surrounded by like minded people all exercising helped.

9. Strength training

Martin Seligman and countless others talk about focusing on your strengths for motivation.  Strengths are something that give us energy whether we're great at them or not. When we're using our strengths we don't mind keeping at it, we're less likely to give up. In this instance, my strengths are determination, resilience, stubbornness and competitiveness.  I called these into play to argue against and cajole my 'I just want to stay at home today' rebellious streak.

10. Oh go on then, reward.

I promised myself that when I'd been to the gym, if I still wanted to, I could lie on the sofa for the entire rest of the day. I pointed out to myself that I would enjoy the lying on the sofa part a whole lot more if I had actually done something useful and active first and I used that promise as the final push to get me out of the house. It might go against the whole thing about rewards not being the greatest driver, but added to everything else, it was good enough for me.

So in short, it's simple. Next time you're feeling a bit meh and can't quite summon up the energy you need to do whatever it is: Find your inner drive, ask yourself why you're doing this and focus on that. Work out what you can do in the next five minutes to move you a little bit closer and then do it a little bit better than you did before. Do it for yourself, not anybody else. Summon up whatever strengths you have in your armoury to get you through it.

And then just do it.

Just take action.

Just show up.

And then look back and thank yourself in 5 years that you started today.

I can't get no...

...Oh yes I can!

It's day 21 of Happiness Happens month and today's happiness topic is 'satisfaction'. 

I've had a huge long list of 'stuff I want to do when I'm off work in August' for months.

The list covers a myriad of tasks. The good the bad and the ugly. Little quick things and big yukky things. From 'phone so and so' to 'get my diet and exercise habits back in order'. 

 Its been just sort of sitting in my notebook down the side of the sofa leering at me, ready to pounce on me as soon as August arrived. 

Which it obviously did a few weeks ago and I felt really under pressure and panicked that I wasn't going to get all, nay any of it done. And find time to actually relax and enjoy myself at the same time. 

I felt like every time I sat still instead of rushing through the list I was just wasting time so wasn't really able to properly relax. And every time I got the list out it felt a bit hopeless and too much to tackle. 

But I've noticed this week that lo and behold its actually all been slotting into place, slowly but surely. 

The tasks are getting ticked off, or crossed off because I can no longer be bothered to do them. They felt important when I wrote them down but actually, there's more important/better things to do with my time. 

And most importantly I feel relaxed and relieved, I'm enjoying myself and my time off. A big phew. 

For example. My clothes had managed to tie themselves up into a big knotted heap in all my drawers and everything was a big mess. (Ahem, ok, I made the mess, the clothes didn't do it themselves).  I never knew where anything was, bikinis in with woolly jumpers and dresses shoved in a heap with shoes. Whenever I found something I wanted to wear it it was all crumpled. I couldn't find half the things I knew I had somewhere. But one day I whacked on the radio, threw it all out onto the floor and put it all back again properly and neatly. Or threw it away. 

Oh my goodness what a difference. Getting ready every morning is so quick, easy and stress free! The simple things :)

Every day I've made sure I've tackled one little corner of the list. Some days I've had the whole day spare so have launched head first into a big task. I even wrote "relax" and "have fun" on the list so when I took time to do that I still felt like I was doing something useful not lazy. 

Doing nothing has always seemed lazy boring and a ' waste of time' to me so I have to work extra hard to let myself do it. And enjoy it. 

That said, nothing is more satisfying than getting stuff done. Putting effort into something and reaping the rewards. It's a really, well, satisfying type of happiness and so so much better than feeling the pressure of an as yet unstarted task or the regret of a wasted opportunity. 

I'm glad I made the list to keep me focused but I wish I could learn to trust the process, trust that I will always find the time to do the things that need doing and dump the ones that don't instead of worrying and stressing about everything first. 

But most of all, after a day spent first at the gym (tick), eating well (tick) and then in the garden (tick) I'm very grateful to my mum and grandma for all their help, and very very satisfied with the results. Lovely. 

How amusing

So, here we are on day 18 of Happiness Happens Month.

I haven't written for a few days.  My last post was about finding balance between trying to do everything and lying around on the sofa doing nothing.  In writing it I stumbled upon a rather large irony.  I realised that having accidentally set myself the task of writing a post every day of Happiness Happens month, covering one of the 31 types of happiness every day of the month, I'd unwittingly added a big fat weight on the wrong end of my see saw and was steadily slipping away from my comfortable balance spot towards my 'aaaggghhhh, panic, hide, freak out make it all go away' spot.

So I decided to redress the balance and stopped writing for a bit. I decided if something came to me I would write it down, but if not, hey ho, nevermind.

What have I been doing instead? Pleasing myself that's what. Amusing myself however I fancy; with a silly book, a daft TV programme or a visit to meet my mum's new dog.

Especially the last one.

I indulged in that last one just this morning.  The visit went like this: 5 fully grown adults standing around/lying on the floor staring for long periods of time at a tiny ball of black fluff and delighting in every movement/non-movement, whimper, slip and shuffle the little thing made.  Her name is Buttons by the way, not 'little thing'.

I looked around. Everybody was happy.  What type of happiness is going on here? I asked myself...Amused, that's it.  We are all well and truly amused by this little critter.   Even when she's not really doing anything. Her mere existence in the world and in our lounge is utterly amusing to us.

(Well, to most of us. Lilly, her soon to be long suffering sister and existing resident in the family home, didn't find her in the least bit amusing thank you very much.)

The puppy's name is pretty amusing too...as was the day long debate that went on before mum settled on Buttons. I think the low point was when my brother suggested 'Twig', or it may have been my 'Storm' idea. Either way, it was all hilariously amusing.

So, I had my inspiration for the day and I had my post.

So I got to thinking about this whole being 'amused' thing.  It ties in with the posts I've written on being playful and humour. But I think amused is a bit different.

Being playful is quite sort of active, out and out silly in a lively, physical, joyful way.  Buttons was being playful but we weren't really. Unless you count grandma waving a string of plastic sausages at her.

Humour is specifically about something being purposefully funny, making and laughing at jokes, comedy etc.  The dog is pretty funny to watch, but she was rubbish at telling jokes and to be honest her 'stand up' is more wobble over.

Being amused has a slightly more laid back, passive type of feel to it for me. It's not as roll about funny as funny is.

But it's also conversely a more active process for us the beholder. The thing in question isn't necessarily amusing, but the way we see it is. We're able to look at something that isn't innately on purpose funny, and see the funny in it. The dog wasn't trying to entertain us, but we found her to be amusing...we did that in our own heads.

Which just goes to show that a lot of this happiness stuff is in our own heads and we have the choice, the power to conjure it up ourselves.  If we can make an innocent little dog just doing it's thing amusing (even when she weed. And even when I then stood in it with bare feet), then what else can we do it with?

Whichever way you look at or define it, being amused is a very handy thing to be. Being able to find life's little whims amusing rather than irritating, see the light in or make light of life's serious stuff is a great skill to have.

The world and the people around us (and in fact us, ourselves) are full of weirdness, silliness, nuance and foible, but only if we can see them and appreciate them as such, allow ourselves to be amused by them.

There's plenty of stuff to get all serious about and given our natural negativity bias it's all too often easy to get hung up on these so they fill our world and blind us to the other stuff. The nonsense and the fun.  We need to find a way to take the boring blinkers off and put the funny specs on.

People often say "it'd be funny if it wasn't so...", or "that would be funny if it wasn't true".  Well, it probably is funny even if it is true, you just have to choose to see it like that.  In fact it's probably its being true that makes it so amusing.  I think there's something about amusement that suggests a wry knowing sort of feeling.  We recognise something in it...that's why seemingly mundane observational comedy about day to day stuff is so funny. Because we know it's true. In fact, it's normally life's crappy bits that comedians get the best material from.  So if we can laugh at it with them, what's to stop us laughing at it in real life?

We're pretty good at laughing at ourselves after the event, so maybe we just need to try a bit harder to laugh at ourselves or the situation during the event. It'll probably make it a lot easier to get through it and move on if we do.

There are, of course, times when lighthearted froth and amusement, just trying to jolly yourself or somebody else up isn't going to work, and isn't even a good idea.  If somebody is really down in some deep emotions, they just need to feel them and being urged to 'cheer up' or laugh at videos of pandas sneezing on youtube is really not very helpful.

But for all the other times, especially those times when we're just being a bit stubborn and ranting and raving for the sake of it. Desperately trying not to smile or forgive or be amused by anything (we've all done it). Just stop it, get over yourself and see if you can reframe what's happening as something highly amusing that you'll laugh at not just later, but now. I don't know, maybe imagine Michael McIntyre (insert your favourite comedian here) prancing about on stage re-enacting it in his next sketch. Or do a bit of a quantum leap and imagine how much you'll fall about laughing about this when you tell your friends later. Or imagine how funny it'd sound if it were happening to a friend instead of you...nice bit of schadenfreude for you there.

Sod it, even if it's not in the slightest bit amusing at all,  just pretend it is. Fake it 'til you make it and all that.

Or if all else fails, just buy a Scottie dog puppy. And call it Buttons. That works too.