Help!

We've made it to day four of Happiness Happens Month and I'm beginning to wonder if I've taken on rather a bit more than I can chew (mixed metaphors!?) here what with deciding to focus on and blog about a different one of the 31 types of happiness every day of the month.  Feeling as if a little help would't go amiss.(actually, that's not a bad idea..if anybody would like to guest blog, please do let me know!)

Which is rather appropriate given that today's focus is 'helping'. I've chosen to focus on helping today because we've had giving and kindness the last few days and helping seems to tie in nicely with both of those. In fact they're pretty much the same thing.  Most of the science in this area uses the three terms interchangeably. But, like kindness, helping has a little flavour of it's own as well. Plus I have a slightly different angle to come at it from too. (early warning: rant alert!)

First things first, we know that helping others helps us because we've been talking about it all week. And it doesn't matter who you are or what age you are, being helpful is a very healthy thing to do. Action for Happiness says:

"There appears to be a relationship between happiness and helping others at every age:

• Pre-school children who displayed empathy were more likely to have happy moods
• High school students who said they experienced intense positive feelings were more likely to be involved in community service activities such as volunteering
• Working adults who were happier at work were more likely to help others [2]
• Volunteering has also been related to many benefits for senior citizens, including greater happiness and life satisfaction. [1][7]"

you can read more on their website here

Now, you may be surprised to hear that that's all I'm going to say about the benefits of helping others at the moment.

Because there are a few other things I want to say about helping that seem to get a bit left on the side lines in this whole happy helping discussion, but that I think are just as, if not more important:

1. Asking for help ourselves
2. Asking for help ourselves
3. The kind of help you give and how

Ok, so on the face of it, no 1 and 2 are the same, but it's up there for 2 different reasons as you'll see in a minute.

First off: Why is it that it seems really super easy to go out of our way to offer to help somebody else, but it can feel really super painful to ask for help ourselves?  When did asking for help become some kind of weakness? I just don't understand it.

Having the sense to recognise when we're stuck, being aware of our own limitations and most importantly being driven to improve and progress are surely three very desirable, worthy traits? Asking for help is a by product of all three. Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results has been described by some as the definition of insanity...how to break free? Ask for somebody else's input, or help.  How on earth does anybody learn anything without asking for help from time to time? As a manager I much preferred for somebody to take interest, to demonstrate some kind of thought process and ask for help in getting something done rather than to blindly plod along doing it any old how. I wanted to make sure that people felt comfortable enough to ask for help rather than feel stupid for not knowing, take ages fiddling around and then get it wrong. Ok, it was annoying if they asked the same questions every time and never actually learnt from the answers but that's another story. For the most part asking for help is a good thing and from my point of view, to be commended.

It's also incredibly healthy .  How many of us know (or are!) the martyr that insists on doing everything themselves. "Do you need a hand with those dishes?" "No, you just sit there, don't worry, I'll do them. Just as soon as I've redecorated the whole house, cooked a 4 course dinner, ironed all the shirts and solved world poverty. It's fine. I'll be fine". Um, no you won't, you'll get all stressed out, snap at everybody and then shut yourself in your room for hours. Just ask for help you moron.  By the way, I can say that, because I do it.

One of the hardest but best lessons I have ever learnt (EVER) is that it's ok to ask for help.  Sometimes I have to turn and look the other way and try to ignore the fact that whoever is giving the help isn't quite doing it how I would have done it, but that's another hang up for another day :)

So, while we're at it, to all those bloody stupid men out there (by the way do men really do this or is just something crisp advertisers and the like made up?) who refuse to ask for directions. Stop it. Ask for help. It is infinitely more manly to recognise that the quickest and most efficient route to arriving where you need to be is to ask somebody who actually knows, rather than namby pamby around driving here, there and everywhere, running out of petrol in the middle of nowhere and generally looking like a lost fool.

So, that was my (rather effusive) first point.  Help others, yes, wonderful. But please, please, please also ask for help yourself when you need it.

And on to point 2, which was the same as point 1: Sometimes, the best way to help somebody else is in fact NOT to help them at all, but to ask them to help you.  Imagine this: You're down, you're feeling totally worthless, useless and pathetic and people keep turning up to help you, doing everything for you and fussing around you as if you were...totally worthless, useless and pathetic.

Sometimes, as well intentioned as help can be, it can actually reinforce the very problem it's trying to solve. If you want to help somebody who is feeling worthless, help them to feel worthwhile by giving them something to do. If you want to help somebody who feels useless, find a use for them.  Ask them to help you. They might not want to, depends how down they feel. Just go on about how much it'd be helping if they could just do you one quick favour. Plus it'll take their minds of whatever it is that's getting them down for a bit too. The best volunteering projects, in my opinion, are the ones that involve the very people the project is intended to help in the work.

It's not at all the same as that saying about giving a man a fish versus giving him a rod so he can fish for life, but it's similar.

If you think about it, this point is pretty obvious because helping makes the helper happy...so to make somebody happier? turn them into the helper. Genius.

And so finally, in my little helping rant, on to my last point. Which is this: Be careful about what sort of helping it is you're doing and how you're doing it.  Basically, are you really actually 'helping' or just ticking a box.

Helping in a begrudging way isn't nice and doesn't make anybody feel nice. So either don't do it or pretend not to be begrudging. "If I really have to", "I don't want to but I will" and "I really hate washing up but if you really want me to then..." are all sure fire ways to make everybody feel worse than before. I know, I've been on both ends of that one.  So, either find something to help with that you will actually enjoy or stick your Mother Teresa face on and enjoy the good it's doing without letting on how much you hate it.

And finally, when somebody asks you for help, before leaping in and showing off about how much you know or how good you are at said thing, please first ask what sort of help it is they are after. Anybody who's had management training (should) know about different leadership styles and whatnot: coach, mentor etc. and I'm talking about a  similar thing here.  Does this person want help as in "HELP! I can't do it, I'm going to throw myself on the floor in a heap whilst you just do it for me" sort of help? Or would a gentle prod to help them in the right direction be better.  Would you be helping them more by giving them the benefit of your worldly experience and prior knowledge and just telling them the answer or could you offer a few gentle words of encouragement and ask a few probing questions until they get there on their own?

In short..whatever you do, make sure it is actually helping.

And if you need it yourself, just ask for it. Ok?

Rant over :)

Kindness

So, here we are on day 3 of #HappinessHappens Month and I've decided to pick kindness to focus on today.

Kindness is kind of inextricably linked with yesterday's giving...I'm not sure you can give in an unkind way. But, there are a few nuances to kindness not covered by the whole giving thing.

As  it happens, I don't really think I like the word 'kind'. It sounds a bit sort of wishy washy and twee. It's the sort of word that seems reserved for pre-school children who won't share or who insist on pulling Jennifer's pigtails. I hear the phrase 'kind hands' rather a lot at work. (no offence to anybody named Jennifer or with pigtails, no idea where that came from, totally random choice of name).

On the other hand I'd hate for anybody to consider either me or my behaviour to be unkind.

And there's absolutely no denying that kindness is both an incredibly aspirational and powerful trait.

In fact one of the findings of the science of happiness into the habits of happy people, is that caring or

compassionate (ergo kind) people tend to be happier.

Taoism, Confucianism and Buddhism are all based on compassion.  In fact Buddhism teaches loving kindness to all living things. ALL living things, including wasps, as annoying as they are. You can read more about my real life experience of that here

The Dalai Lama said "if you want to be happy, practice compassion"

And like happiness, acts of kindness and compassion tend to be quite contagious, creating a ripple effect out around them, not just for the giver and the receiver who chances are will 'pay it forward', but also for the inspired onlooker.

But what does 'kindness' really mean? According to the dictionary it means benignity, benevolence, humanity, generosity, charity,sympathy, compassion, tenderness. To be kind is to be gentle, considerate, helpful, gracious and sympathetic.

Lots of big worthy sounding words that mean generally being a jolly nice sort.

So, it's pretty obvious that being on the receiving end of all of this would feel pretty good. Nobody could deny it's nice when somebody is kind to us. But what about being on the other end? What about being the one doing the kindness? Does exuding kindness ourselves really do us any good?

Well, countless studies say yes.

For a start, many studies show increased brain activity amongst buddhist monks who practice loving kindness meditation. Not only that but Stanford University found a connection between loving kindness meditation and a feeling of social connection; Duke Medical Centre saw an improvement in back pain sufferers after an 8 week loving kindness meditation programme and Barbara Fredrickson found that a loving kindness meditation practice increased daily experiences of positive emotions which in turn increased a whole raft of personal resources such as a sense of purpose in life.

But what about those of us who don't dress in flowing orange robes and sit around meditating all day?* What about just generally being nice and kind to people day to day?

Good news there too. In a study published in 2010 in The Journal of Social Psychology researchers had participants perform a random act of kindness every day for 10 days. At the end of the 10 days their reported levels of life satisfaction and happiness had, you guessed it, increased versus the control.  And, like with giving, the happier we feel the more likely we are to be kind, which makes us happy...and so on. 

But actually, none of this is news. For any Darwin fans out there, you're probably aware of his "survival of the fittest" theory.  Which is a bit of a strange thing to bring up in a post about kindness and therefore altruism, since really, that's all about the opposite, about 'the selfish gene'.  Well it would be, if 'survival of the fittest' was actually Darwin's phrase. It wasn't, it was coined by Herbert Spencer and picked up by other social Darwinists. Closer examination of Darwin's early work on human kind shows that 'survival of the kindest' is actually a much closer summary of his views and his findings that social and maternal instincts and sympathy are amongst the most important factors in raising offspring and evolution.

But did we really need all of this research?  Just stop and think for a minute about the last time you were kind to somebody or something. How did it make you feel? How do you feel now recalling that time? Conversely, I know I tend to feel pretty crappy when I've been horrible to somebody. Being unkind definitely depletes my happy. And I don't know about you, but I really don't like to witness unkindness either. It makes me feel really sad and indignant, and a deep sense of injustice. So, it's not rocket science, it's just nice to have the science to back it up. But really we all knew already that being kind is just, well, kind. 

So how do we do it? I'm not going to answer that one. It's easy. Just stop being a big grumpy pants, swallow your pride and just be kind.  Almost any act of kindness boosts happiness...thoughts, words, actions; random or planned; grand sweeping gesture or thoughtful little touch; little passing compliment or larger helping hand. Whatever it is, just do or say it.

But a quick caveat, in the midst of all this being kind to everybody else, please don't forget to be kind to yourself first...often the hardest to do, but crucial nonetheless. Read my post about that here

So there we have it. Being kind makes you happy. And that's kinda cool.

* Ok, I was being a bit facetious with my orange robes comment. Meditation isn't just for monks perched on mountain tops and is a very good habit to get into. There are many kinds of meditation but If you'd like to give the loving kindness sort a go there are many beginner guides online. As meditation is such a personal practice I'm specifically not including a link to any one guided meditation here as my favourite might  not work for you.

If guided meditation isn't for you or you can't be bothered to faff about online, try this:
Bring to mind somebody you really love and focus on them in your mind (you can visualise them or just think about them if visualisation doesn't come easily). Then literally just send them loving thoughts, like "I wish you happiness/peace/success/protection from harm". Make the words your own but keep the general gist. Interestingly you don't actually need to really feel/believe what you're saying for it to work. Anyway, do the same for somebody who's been a big support for you. Repeat for somebody you know is having a bit of trouble recently. Then do the same thing for somebody you barely know at all...this is key.  Finally, repeat it for yourself (for some reason that bit is often the hardest).

Alternatively, if you don't want to 'meditate' as such at all, try this one. Next time you're sitting on the bus/tube or strolling down the street, look at the people you pass and just  think to yourself something along the lines of "I wish you happiness" or whatever version of that you find most comfortable/least cringey.  And NB, you'll probably feel ridiculous the first time you do it but keep at it! Is interesting to see how it gives you a little bit of an uplift and is especially effective for people being a bit irritating...rather than mutter about them under your breath, smile and wish them happiness under your breath. Puts you in a much better mood!

Giving

So, it's day 2 of Happiness Happens Month, a month dedicated by The Secret Society of Happy People to raising happiness up the agenda; getting people talking about it, listening and spreading it. 

And today I've decided to focus on the area of 'giving'. 

If you're anything like me, you'll already have a sneaking suspicion that giving feels a bit nicer than receiving anyway, and now science is starting to prove it. In one experiment, those people given some money to spend on others or to donate to charity displayed greater uplifts in wellbeing than another group given money to spend on themselves. But giving isn't just about physically giving people things or money, but about doing things for other people.  Yes we can give money, but we can also give time, energy, thoughts, support, kindness, ideas...you get the picture! The more we give, the more reward we feel. And, in a lovely virtuous circle, the more reward/happy we feel the more we want to give

And unlike the high we get from buying ourselves things or other quick fixes, the so called 'helpers high' tends to contribute to a more sustained feeling of contentment and wellbeing. In fact, studies have shown that amongst teenagers, volunteering can lead to increases of self esteem and improved attitudes to school, amongst other things.

Giving also helps us build stronger connections with others and with the community, building important social links that are all also key ingredients in the happiness mix. 

So, all in all finding ways to give a little in our day to day sounds like pretty good medicine for all concerned. But how?

Here are some really quick, simple ideas for 'giving' today, all of which I have personally road tested! I'm sure there are millions more, please add your ideas in the comments below:

• Give a little smile to people you pass in the street. Many may think you're a bit loopy but you're guaranteed to get a few smiles back and give somebody a little lift
• Make or buy somebody you wouldn't normally a tea or coffee, apropos of absolutely nothing other than making them happy
• Leave a little bit of small change in a vending machine or ticket machine for the next person to find
• Or even leave some random bits of small change lying on the pavement for somebody else to find
• Phone a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while who you know will appreciate it
• Give the gift of gratitude and say thank you. A lot. Especially to somebody who has always been there for you but maybe you've not really expressed quite how grateful you are
• Hug! Be careful with that one...there are those who celebrate random hugging but just pick your victims carefully!
• Teach somebody about something you know and love 
• Offer your services to somebody who could do with them
• Volunteer. There are loads of sites online to help you find the right volunteering opportunity. I like www.do-it.org.uk but there are loads more
• Donate to Action for Happiness or a charity you believe in. Or pop some change in the next collection box you see
• UK based peeps, pick up a green token at Waitrose and pop it in the box for your preferred cause
• Go help out at a local soup kitchen
• Write a letter to somebody who isn't into texting and email but never gets letters anymore
• Share and retweet all the news you see about  #happinesshappens to spread the word
• Give your time to somebody you know could do with some help
• Empty out all your old clothes and bits you don't really need and donate them to somebody or a cause/charity shop who does 
• Share your knowledge and answer a question on a forum
• Forward on an article you think somebody else might like
• Bake a cake and take it into work/next door/your grandma etc
• Offer to do the chores even when it's not your turn
• Run your other half a bath or put the kettle on ready for when they come home

And at the end of the day, give 5 minutes just to yourself to reflect on your day and think about how all your little 'gifts' have made a difference, to you, to others; no matter how big or small. 

Today

I like today.

Today I have listened to children chattering and chuckling. I have danced and sung. I have been 'fed' some special new recipe and been asked to walk the plank. I have helped and shared and I have observed. I've been told that 5 and 5 is ten and that the noise inside a seashell is actually the sea. And when it was time for my lunch I was asked if I was going to the mountains. "Why not", I said, "I shall see what I can see."

I didn't quite make it to the mountains, but who needs the mountains? I saw a bumble bee wearing pollen trousers. I saw a kite circling overhead. I saw the sun peeping through the clouds and I heard the jolly little chirruping of the birds in the trees around me. All whilst tasting delicious, sweet mango.

And I sat here and I thought: "I like today".

Secure your own mask first

Something has been bothering me recently. I've been noticing an ever growing number of a certain type of happiness quotes and posts cropping up.

And whilst overall I most certainly agree with their general gist, I am left feeling a little uncomfortable every time another one (and another one) pops up.

I'm talking about this sort of thing:

"Happiness isn't happiness unless it's shared"

"The point of happiness is to give it away"

"if you want to make yourself happy, make someone else happy"

"spend less time thinking about yourself and more time thinking about others"

I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.

Now then, these things are all true. To a certain extent.

But a huge, massive, giant part of being happy is all about self.  Looking after yourself, understanding yourself, being kind to yourself, liking yourself, spending time with yourself, giving yourself a break. Understanding what it is that truly makes YOU happy.

One major reason why happiness eludes many of us is because we don't ever put ourselves first.  I worked on an ad campaign several years ago which centred on this very insight. At the time we had some research showing that women, on average across the course of their lives, spend 21 years looking after other people rather than themselves. 21 YEARS! When interviewed they found it nigh on impossible to talk about themselves. Really about themselves - not about their children, work, husband, friends.

One major reason why I set out on this happiness quest of my own was because somewhere along the line I had lost 'me'.

Ok, so both of those facts are only about women but we're not alone!

There's a reason why the safety information on an aeroplane advises we put on our own oxygen masks before helping others.

It's because if we don't look out for and after ourselves we are in absolutely no fit state to even contemplate looking out for and after anybody else.

We owe it to other people to care for ourselves and concern ourselves with our own happiness first and foremost.  It's not selfish, it's just the decent thing to do.

So yes, it is true, that one of the ways to boost happiness is to share and experience it with others. But first it is really important to be able to cultivate it and enjoy it ourselves, in our own company.  There's a quote I love..."if you smile when nobody else is around, you really mean it" (Andy Rooney). Learn to really smile by yourself... and then share it.

And yes, another sure fire way to make yourself happy is to make somebody else happy...but not if by making somebody else happy you are stifling yourself, ignoring your own needs or in some way undermining your own happiness.

I know there are many many general rules of thumb when it comes to happiness and not all of them will work for all of us, that's fine. But this particular flavour of general message, in my opinion, just doesn't sit so well. It needs to come with a little bit more context to be more helpful than potentially harmful. Sometimes it feels as if I'm being told off for wanting my own happiness when I read some of these messages and that absolutely shouldn't be the point.  In fact, one of the very best ways to spread happiness is just to be happy yourself. It's contagious.

So, happiness, yes, do share it, absolutely.

But first make sure you have it to give in the first place.

And whatever you do please don't just give it carelessly away.

Filling the bucket

Everybody has a bucket.

Some buckets are full of joy and happiness. Hobbies and friends. Love and laughter.

They're the lucky ones.

Other buckets are full of sorrow and despair. Bad habits and vicious circles. Clouds and regret.

All our buckets are different  but have one thing in common...they're OUR bucket. Whether we like it or not, we feel quite attached to our bucket.  We feel a bit weird and out of sorts if something goes missing from our bucket, we prefer to keep it full.

So, it's all very well taking the sad and lonely, the negative thinking or even the self medicating out of somebody's bucket...but what does that leave? Not a lot. Those things, as unpleasant and uncomfortable as they are, are what that bucket keeper knows. What they're used to. And without them? Their bucket is empty.

Help someone quit smoking without understanding the underlying cause and it's very likely they'll find a new outlet or vice...I've seen it happen.

Cut out all the junk food and drinking without realising what need it was fulfilling, or finding a healthy new source of pleasure or a satisfying new diet and lifestyle to replace it, and you'll end up feeling deprived and miserable. And reaching for the cake...I'm living proof that it happens. Again. And again

To put it another way: The absence of dis-ease, does not at all guarantee the presence of ease.

Which is, of course, why the very field of positive psychology began.  The whole of psychology, until the positive lot came along, is based on a 'disease' model, occupied with what's wrong with people. With easing hardship and misery. On weakness. On removing pain.

But if all somebody is used to feeling is pain, what are they supposed to feel when the pain is gone?  Is feeling empty supposed to be any better than feeling sad?

Martin Seligman and co. didn't think so. And neither do I.

I absolutely love that positive psychology focuses not on what's wrong with people, but on all that is right with us. Studies not weaknesses but strengths. Focuses not just on removing hardship, but on cultivating happiness to flourish in its place.

the photo that inspired this post

Or in short, positive psychology is all about re-filing that bucket with sunshine once all the muck has been
tipped out.

Identify your muck. Dig it up. Throw it away.

let the sunshine in

But don't stop there.  Don't leave your bucket empty. Once the clouds are gone, work out how to fill your bucket back up, but this time with sunshine. Once you know what that bucket needs, what you need to do, then fill it right up. Right up to the top. And keep on topping it up every chance you get.

Cos every little gap in that sunshine, is room for the muck to seep back in.

Santorelaxini

A few weekends ago Alex and I went to Santorini.

see, glorious

This is a fairly extravagant way to spend a few days for someone in my current earning bracket, I'll admit, but I'd booked it as a surprise Christmas present way back when both life and pay were rather different and it was non-refundable.

So, we had no choice but to go. Terrible shame that.

And to cut a 2 day story short, it was, quite simply, utterly glorious.  I cannot remember feeling so relaxed in a very, very long time. Both of us.

Not just relaxed because we were on holiday and holidays are relaxing, but also relaxed in terms of laid back about how everything panned out.

It could be said that I am something of a perfectionist.  And something of a planner...hell it was in my job title for most of my working life (the planner bit, not the perfectionist bit, just to clarify).

Which means, it could also be said, that not all of the 'relaxing' things I plan  are quite as perfectly relaxing as they should be.

Note 'plan' and 'should'.

If I plan a fun day...it HAS to be fun.  If I plan a jolly family gathering and somebody (especially me) utters something even vaguely miserable, I'm devastated. If I plan a romantic night out, bluebirds had better be circling overhead.  If the lighting in the restaurant isn't quite at the level I'd imagined, or I get seated in an area of the restaurant I deem not to be quite romantic enough, or the music is a bit off....or anything else that's not quite 'perfect', it's all ruined.  I'll smile through it but everyone in my vicinity will know (much to their detriment) everything is not quite as it 'should' be.

I have been known to traipse from restaurant to restaurant (to restaurant etc) in search of this holy grail of restaurant perfectness until the night is so beyond repair that no restaurant, no matter how perfect, could ever  salvage it.

Or to summarise: I tend to put a lot of pressure on both myself and other people to experience the occasion in the exact way I have planned/imagined the occasion should be experienced.

Or I did. Turns out this is an excellent example of a story I tell about myself that might not actually be true (something we all do by the way).  It is true that I once did this, but it turns out I don't really do it anymore (so desperate to hold onto this particular story I can't even say I don't do it...I've written I don't 'really' do it!). Turns out it's a story I'm carrying around in the present tense that should really be rewritten in the past tense.

And it took a quiet moment watching the world go by in Santorini to realise this about myself.

Actually I realised a few things.

Firstly, despite being sorely tempted to plan the whole short break to within an inch of its life (and ours), I made a conscious decision before we went not to plan anything at all about it. Actually I don't know if it was a conscious decision or not. I kept thinking about planning it but almost accidentally on purpose kept not doing anything about it. I had done the smallest amount of research as to what was on offer (and I do mean small, I read a few articles...when we went to Cuba I think I had about 20 different guide books, all annotated) but that was it.

On the one hand we only had a few days so I wanted to make sure we made the most of it. But on the other, and apparently much more important hand, making the most of it also meant not overdoing it. Making the most of the time, the place, each other. Just being. Not rushing around to pre-arranged plans and timings.  Even when we got there, something inside me refused to succumb to any arrangements at all. We just got up and went were we went and did what we did, when we felt like it.

first night

Oh ok, I did book a restaurant at the last minute on the first night as opposed to just seeing where we ended up or chancing our arm at a table with a sunset view. But that was the only time. And interestingly, the second night where we left it to chance, we ended up with a much better table at a much nicer restaurant and a much more spectacular view. Make of that what you will.

Anyway, there I was leaving (nearly) everything to chance and just mooching around without a plan (although ironically, I had planned not to have a plan so am still debating whether or not this counts. It's a step anyway). And instead of wandering around at a loose end or being all highly strung about missing out on whatever it was I hadn't planned into the agenda, I was relaxed. I was just being. I had relinquished foolish notions of being in control. I was present. I was soaking it all up and enjoying every single second of  it.

I'd just like to add at this point that I haven't given up 'planning' nor am I poo pooing it. Planning has its, often very important place, just that this wasn't it. The point here is that I'm learning to live without planning...and that life can't actually always be planned for.


Secondly, I realised that not all of the restaurants/bars/cafes/situations we ended up in would have quite met the 'perfect' grade had I been testing them. Which meant, I wasn't testing them.  I was just letting them be what they were and enjoying them for that, not bemoaning them for what they weren't.

The culprit

And then, on our last day we  both had in mind a specific sort of place for lunch.  We went into one place, sat down and decided it was a bit too busy and noisy, especially given the hangover courtesy of too much local rose the night before. We popped into the next place and decided the menu didn't appeal quite as much as some we'd seen. The third place was a bit iffy but from the roof terrace we spotted a 4th that looked just right. So we went there, and it was.  As I sat there I thought to myself, it feels like a long time since I've done that holy grail restaurant traipse. But more importantly, had we just done this particular restaurant traipse a few years ago I would have been quite wound up by now. I'd have been upset that we were wasting time, worried that I was annoying Alex traipsing from place to place, embarrassed to be leaving places as soon as I'd arrived, anxious that we were never going to find the right place, caught up on all the bad points of everywhere we tried and generally quite stressed by the whole thing.  But on this occasion I was carefree, relaxed and...happy.

us, looking happy

And I think this is what my whole long meandering post is about:  Happiness.

In the past I've focused on the planning, not on the moment, the living. I've relied on the restaurant, the event, the day, the occasion, the whatever it was I'd planned, the outside stuff to deliver the fun, the romance, the happiness.

But while a bad seat in a horrible restaurant can make an unhappy me unhappier, a good seat in a nice restaurant cannot be solely responsible for making me happy. It has to come from within. If it's not already there, the more you pursue it externally, the further away it feels.

And it was there in Santorini.  Yes it's a beautiful place, yes it's romantic and all the rest of it and all of that helps, but it has to be there already, inside.

So, I concluded, with a contented sigh, that this was proof. That somewhere along this journey I have learnt to relax, to switch off, to take the pressure off, to just be. That all this chatting happy, has paid off in some little way...

But please, for your own safety, never, ever offer me a seat facing into a corner in a restaurant.