Today

I like today.

Today I have listened to children chattering and chuckling. I have danced and sung. I have been 'fed' some special new recipe and been asked to walk the plank. I have helped and shared and I have observed. I've been told that 5 and 5 is ten and that the noise inside a seashell is actually the sea. And when it was time for my lunch I was asked if I was going to the mountains. "Why not", I said, "I shall see what I can see."

I didn't quite make it to the mountains, but who needs the mountains? I saw a bumble bee wearing pollen trousers. I saw a kite circling overhead. I saw the sun peeping through the clouds and I heard the jolly little chirruping of the birds in the trees around me. All whilst tasting delicious, sweet mango.

And I sat here and I thought: "I like today".

Secure your own mask first

Something has been bothering me recently. I've been noticing an ever growing number of a certain type of happiness quotes and posts cropping up.

And whilst overall I most certainly agree with their general gist, I am left feeling a little uncomfortable every time another one (and another one) pops up.

I'm talking about this sort of thing:

"Happiness isn't happiness unless it's shared"

"The point of happiness is to give it away"

"if you want to make yourself happy, make someone else happy"

"spend less time thinking about yourself and more time thinking about others"

I'm paraphrasing but you get the gist.

Now then, these things are all true. To a certain extent.

But a huge, massive, giant part of being happy is all about self.  Looking after yourself, understanding yourself, being kind to yourself, liking yourself, spending time with yourself, giving yourself a break. Understanding what it is that truly makes YOU happy.

One major reason why happiness eludes many of us is because we don't ever put ourselves first.  I worked on an ad campaign several years ago which centred on this very insight. At the time we had some research showing that women, on average across the course of their lives, spend 21 years looking after other people rather than themselves. 21 YEARS! When interviewed they found it nigh on impossible to talk about themselves. Really about themselves - not about their children, work, husband, friends.

One major reason why I set out on this happiness quest of my own was because somewhere along the line I had lost 'me'.

Ok, so both of those facts are only about women but we're not alone!

There's a reason why the safety information on an aeroplane advises we put on our own oxygen masks before helping others.

It's because if we don't look out for and after ourselves we are in absolutely no fit state to even contemplate looking out for and after anybody else.

We owe it to other people to care for ourselves and concern ourselves with our own happiness first and foremost.  It's not selfish, it's just the decent thing to do.

So yes, it is true, that one of the ways to boost happiness is to share and experience it with others. But first it is really important to be able to cultivate it and enjoy it ourselves, in our own company.  There's a quote I love..."if you smile when nobody else is around, you really mean it" (Andy Rooney). Learn to really smile by yourself... and then share it.

And yes, another sure fire way to make yourself happy is to make somebody else happy...but not if by making somebody else happy you are stifling yourself, ignoring your own needs or in some way undermining your own happiness.

I know there are many many general rules of thumb when it comes to happiness and not all of them will work for all of us, that's fine. But this particular flavour of general message, in my opinion, just doesn't sit so well. It needs to come with a little bit more context to be more helpful than potentially harmful. Sometimes it feels as if I'm being told off for wanting my own happiness when I read some of these messages and that absolutely shouldn't be the point.  In fact, one of the very best ways to spread happiness is just to be happy yourself. It's contagious.

So, happiness, yes, do share it, absolutely.

But first make sure you have it to give in the first place.

And whatever you do please don't just give it carelessly away.

Filling the bucket

Everybody has a bucket.

Some buckets are full of joy and happiness. Hobbies and friends. Love and laughter.

They're the lucky ones.

Other buckets are full of sorrow and despair. Bad habits and vicious circles. Clouds and regret.

All our buckets are different  but have one thing in common...they're OUR bucket. Whether we like it or not, we feel quite attached to our bucket.  We feel a bit weird and out of sorts if something goes missing from our bucket, we prefer to keep it full.

So, it's all very well taking the sad and lonely, the negative thinking or even the self medicating out of somebody's bucket...but what does that leave? Not a lot. Those things, as unpleasant and uncomfortable as they are, are what that bucket keeper knows. What they're used to. And without them? Their bucket is empty.

Help someone quit smoking without understanding the underlying cause and it's very likely they'll find a new outlet or vice...I've seen it happen.

Cut out all the junk food and drinking without realising what need it was fulfilling, or finding a healthy new source of pleasure or a satisfying new diet and lifestyle to replace it, and you'll end up feeling deprived and miserable. And reaching for the cake...I'm living proof that it happens. Again. And again

To put it another way: The absence of dis-ease, does not at all guarantee the presence of ease.

Which is, of course, why the very field of positive psychology began.  The whole of psychology, until the positive lot came along, is based on a 'disease' model, occupied with what's wrong with people. With easing hardship and misery. On weakness. On removing pain.

But if all somebody is used to feeling is pain, what are they supposed to feel when the pain is gone?  Is feeling empty supposed to be any better than feeling sad?

Martin Seligman and co. didn't think so. And neither do I.

I absolutely love that positive psychology focuses not on what's wrong with people, but on all that is right with us. Studies not weaknesses but strengths. Focuses not just on removing hardship, but on cultivating happiness to flourish in its place.

the photo that inspired this post

Or in short, positive psychology is all about re-filing that bucket with sunshine once all the muck has been
tipped out.

Identify your muck. Dig it up. Throw it away.

let the sunshine in

But don't stop there.  Don't leave your bucket empty. Once the clouds are gone, work out how to fill your bucket back up, but this time with sunshine. Once you know what that bucket needs, what you need to do, then fill it right up. Right up to the top. And keep on topping it up every chance you get.

Cos every little gap in that sunshine, is room for the muck to seep back in.

Santorelaxini

A few weekends ago Alex and I went to Santorini.

see, glorious

This is a fairly extravagant way to spend a few days for someone in my current earning bracket, I'll admit, but I'd booked it as a surprise Christmas present way back when both life and pay were rather different and it was non-refundable.

So, we had no choice but to go. Terrible shame that.

And to cut a 2 day story short, it was, quite simply, utterly glorious.  I cannot remember feeling so relaxed in a very, very long time. Both of us.

Not just relaxed because we were on holiday and holidays are relaxing, but also relaxed in terms of laid back about how everything panned out.

It could be said that I am something of a perfectionist.  And something of a planner...hell it was in my job title for most of my working life (the planner bit, not the perfectionist bit, just to clarify).

Which means, it could also be said, that not all of the 'relaxing' things I plan  are quite as perfectly relaxing as they should be.

Note 'plan' and 'should'.

If I plan a fun day...it HAS to be fun.  If I plan a jolly family gathering and somebody (especially me) utters something even vaguely miserable, I'm devastated. If I plan a romantic night out, bluebirds had better be circling overhead.  If the lighting in the restaurant isn't quite at the level I'd imagined, or I get seated in an area of the restaurant I deem not to be quite romantic enough, or the music is a bit off....or anything else that's not quite 'perfect', it's all ruined.  I'll smile through it but everyone in my vicinity will know (much to their detriment) everything is not quite as it 'should' be.

I have been known to traipse from restaurant to restaurant (to restaurant etc) in search of this holy grail of restaurant perfectness until the night is so beyond repair that no restaurant, no matter how perfect, could ever  salvage it.

Or to summarise: I tend to put a lot of pressure on both myself and other people to experience the occasion in the exact way I have planned/imagined the occasion should be experienced.

Or I did. Turns out this is an excellent example of a story I tell about myself that might not actually be true (something we all do by the way).  It is true that I once did this, but it turns out I don't really do it anymore (so desperate to hold onto this particular story I can't even say I don't do it...I've written I don't 'really' do it!). Turns out it's a story I'm carrying around in the present tense that should really be rewritten in the past tense.

And it took a quiet moment watching the world go by in Santorini to realise this about myself.

Actually I realised a few things.

Firstly, despite being sorely tempted to plan the whole short break to within an inch of its life (and ours), I made a conscious decision before we went not to plan anything at all about it. Actually I don't know if it was a conscious decision or not. I kept thinking about planning it but almost accidentally on purpose kept not doing anything about it. I had done the smallest amount of research as to what was on offer (and I do mean small, I read a few articles...when we went to Cuba I think I had about 20 different guide books, all annotated) but that was it.

On the one hand we only had a few days so I wanted to make sure we made the most of it. But on the other, and apparently much more important hand, making the most of it also meant not overdoing it. Making the most of the time, the place, each other. Just being. Not rushing around to pre-arranged plans and timings.  Even when we got there, something inside me refused to succumb to any arrangements at all. We just got up and went were we went and did what we did, when we felt like it.

first night

Oh ok, I did book a restaurant at the last minute on the first night as opposed to just seeing where we ended up or chancing our arm at a table with a sunset view. But that was the only time. And interestingly, the second night where we left it to chance, we ended up with a much better table at a much nicer restaurant and a much more spectacular view. Make of that what you will.

Anyway, there I was leaving (nearly) everything to chance and just mooching around without a plan (although ironically, I had planned not to have a plan so am still debating whether or not this counts. It's a step anyway). And instead of wandering around at a loose end or being all highly strung about missing out on whatever it was I hadn't planned into the agenda, I was relaxed. I was just being. I had relinquished foolish notions of being in control. I was present. I was soaking it all up and enjoying every single second of  it.

I'd just like to add at this point that I haven't given up 'planning' nor am I poo pooing it. Planning has its, often very important place, just that this wasn't it. The point here is that I'm learning to live without planning...and that life can't actually always be planned for.


Secondly, I realised that not all of the restaurants/bars/cafes/situations we ended up in would have quite met the 'perfect' grade had I been testing them. Which meant, I wasn't testing them.  I was just letting them be what they were and enjoying them for that, not bemoaning them for what they weren't.

The culprit

And then, on our last day we  both had in mind a specific sort of place for lunch.  We went into one place, sat down and decided it was a bit too busy and noisy, especially given the hangover courtesy of too much local rose the night before. We popped into the next place and decided the menu didn't appeal quite as much as some we'd seen. The third place was a bit iffy but from the roof terrace we spotted a 4th that looked just right. So we went there, and it was.  As I sat there I thought to myself, it feels like a long time since I've done that holy grail restaurant traipse. But more importantly, had we just done this particular restaurant traipse a few years ago I would have been quite wound up by now. I'd have been upset that we were wasting time, worried that I was annoying Alex traipsing from place to place, embarrassed to be leaving places as soon as I'd arrived, anxious that we were never going to find the right place, caught up on all the bad points of everywhere we tried and generally quite stressed by the whole thing.  But on this occasion I was carefree, relaxed and...happy.

us, looking happy

And I think this is what my whole long meandering post is about:  Happiness.

In the past I've focused on the planning, not on the moment, the living. I've relied on the restaurant, the event, the day, the occasion, the whatever it was I'd planned, the outside stuff to deliver the fun, the romance, the happiness.

But while a bad seat in a horrible restaurant can make an unhappy me unhappier, a good seat in a nice restaurant cannot be solely responsible for making me happy. It has to come from within. If it's not already there, the more you pursue it externally, the further away it feels.

And it was there in Santorini.  Yes it's a beautiful place, yes it's romantic and all the rest of it and all of that helps, but it has to be there already, inside.

So, I concluded, with a contented sigh, that this was proof. That somewhere along this journey I have learnt to relax, to switch off, to take the pressure off, to just be. That all this chatting happy, has paid off in some little way...

But please, for your own safety, never, ever offer me a seat facing into a corner in a restaurant.

I don't know what to do

This post was first published on www.tinybuddha.com.

Wait, let me say that again. I was published on Tiny Buddha!

Anyway, here it is:



He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend his entire life on one leg.
​- Chinese Proverb


So, here’s the thing: I don't know what to do.

About this thing, about that thing. About big things and small things.

About anything.

Actually, to be honest even the smallest thing seems big when I don’t know what to do about it. The state of ‘not knowing what to do’ is like some kind of Miracle Grow for small things in my mind.

This is not a new thing. Not knowing what to do is a particular and well honed talent of mine. I can even juggle several not knowing what to dos at once.

For example, at the moment. I don’t know whether to go away with my friends this weekend or not. And if I do will I take the train? Or get a lift? I don’t know whether to take that new job. And if I do, when should I start it? What about all those other job offers that will flood through the door the minute I say yes to this one? I don’t know whether to start the diet tomorrow. Or today. Or next week. Or not at all. I don’t know whether to call my counsellor or ride this one out alone.

I don’t know what is best, what is right. I don’t know what I want to do.

Do you know what else I don’t know?

I don't know what to do about not knowing what to do.

And whenever I feel like this (which is not always, but often), I start not knowing what to do about things I DID know what to do about before. Things I had already made decisions on, things I felt excited and sure about before, now feel wobbly and wrong. Even though I know the decisions felt right when I made them.

My brain starts questioning it all: What if I didn't really know what to do then either, and just decided on something that wasn't really the right thing to do after all? What if it turns out to be 'wrong'? What if I acted on impulse and didn't think it all through properly?

It’s like I’m mourning all the other possible options that will never, ever happen now because I didn’t choose them.

The little voice in my head chides me: If you choose option a, then such and such might happen, which could lead to x and then that may mean y. Had I known in the beginning about y, maybe I wouldn't have chosen that original thing. Or would I? How do I know?

And this uncertainty; the worry; the anxiety; the not knowing: it isn't picky. It doesn't just stick to the thing I'm not sure about. It leaks. It seeps into everything else so instead of feeling uncertain or anxious about one thing in particular, about one decision specifically, I feel anxious, uncertain and worried full stop. I forget what started it. I just feel it.

I feel it in my chest, near my heart. In my throat. It feels like guilt, muddled with regret, with overtones of panic and an undercurrent of fear. It feels hard and cold, like a vice like grip.

And I don't like it.

But I just don't know what to do about it.

So I do nothing.

Except worry and be anxious that doing nothing is not the right thing to do.

It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating and it’s totally and utterly unproductive.

And the only thing that makes it stop?

Is to just decide and do something. To just do anything.

And the only way to know what to do? Well actually, there is no answer to that one.

Other than to not worry about worrying. To not feel anxious about feeling anxious. To accept that there is no right answer.

To breathe. To try to feel beyond the worry, to try to feel the answer rather than (over) think it.

To stop trying to second guess every possible outcome of every possible decision. To stop trying to control and account for every accountability. It just isn’t possible.

To trust.

I can’t know what will happen. I can’t know how I will feel about any of it. I can’t know whether the decision I make is any better or worse than any other decision I could have made because I am only ever going to experience the one path I do choose.

So, I can only react with what I have, what I know and how I feel, right here and right now. And I don’t need to know how to do that, I just need to do it. I just need to allow it to happen.

So, back to my decisions. Well, I still don't know what to do. I still don't know what the 'right' thing is.

But maybe that’s not so much of a problem after all.

Because I do know what the wrong thing is. And that's to make no decision at all. Even if the decision I make is not to decide just yet…THAT is still a decision. Own it.

A friend once said to me, “whenever the time is right, will be the right time”. It helps me relax about my decisions.

I often wonder: Am I the only one like this? I don’t know that either, but if you’re with me:

Stop thinking it through. Stop making up what might happen. Because that’s what’s happening here, you’re just making it up. Just make the decision instead and enjoy the ride. Whatever it turns out to be, it doesn’t really matter - you can change it later if you really have to.

Whatever the decision is, just make it - what's the worst that can happen, really?

Just make the decision and then be glad you did. Enjoy the freedom and the relief that follows. Enjoy the present, indecision free. Because while you’re busy worrying about what might happen tomorrow, guess what, you’re missing out on all the great stuff happening today.

So just decide. Just relax.

Want to know the good news? The decision thing is just as leaky as the indecision thing.

Once I get going again, I know there'll be no stopping me. I’ll breeze through decisions that floored me before. I’ll put those small things back in their place. And if it feels wrong: I’ll change it. I won’t worry about it. Things that felt a bit wrong and weird before just won’t matter anymore.

I won't know where this whole confident, decision making thing came from. I'll just feel it.

I'll feel it in my chest, near my heart. It will feel like contentment, embracing joy, tickled with peace and flavoured with lightness. It will feel soft and warm, like molten honey trickling through my veins. It will make me smile.

And I will love it. And I will do all I can to hold on to it.

That I do know.

So let’s just get started, let’s just relax. Let’s just decide. And let’s never look back.

Doing my little bit

As we near the end of the first ever UN decreed Day of Happiness, I thought rather than just sit here writing about happiness and how to increase it for yourself and others, I would a) get out there and do it myself and b) write about how my 'happy' day went.

First of all, to be honest, it was much like any other day. I say that not in a downer sort of way but in a good way. I say that because I purposefully wanted today to be pretty much like any other day, just with a bit more mindfulness of the happiness cause than usual...(which is saying something in my case!)

I love that there are celebrations of all kinds going on all across the world but for me, the actions we take today need to be replicable every day as well for this to really work.

Also, on the face of it I don't really feel like I really did much, or achieved much, or got anything done today. But when I look at the list below, all the little things really add up. Reading it back made me smile. Reading it out to my husband made him smile. Happiness spread: job done already!

So, with all that in mind, here are all the bits and bobs I did today to live and spread happiness in my own little way. Happy Day, as lived by me:

• A generous helping of sharing, shouting, tweeting and blogging about happiness, #happyday #happy heroes and all related happiness shenanigans. I would apologise to anybody on the receiving end of my bombardment but I shan't. It's good for you so there.
• 2 good deeds involving things I find tiresome and boring but that I know the recipients will really appreciate.
• One bit of cruddy news threatening to turn day sour, re-framed
• A sprinkle of smile therapy to help with the above: Saw a cloud, looked on the bright side
• Made a new friend :)
• Chatted with my nearest and dearest about nothing in general, just because
• A trio of grandparents grateful for a call and up to date with my news
• Up and out of bed early to make the most of the day 
• (Then got stuck doing one of earlier mentioned deeds thanks to v slow computer but am reframing that to 'flow'!)
• Actively decided not to stress and not to pursue thinking that I know leads to stress, something I am particularly susceptible to. Am hoping I can carry that one through to tomorrow and its looming deadline or I'm in trouble.
• Ate well, tidied home, moved around
• Finally  mastered something I've been struggling with for ages. Woo hoo!
• Got outside in the fresh air and walked around aimlessly just taking it all in
• Smiled at everybody and nobody in particular...it helps if they'll actually make eye contact but when they do, it works
• Said I love you to three different people (all relatives, just to clarify!)
• Treated myself to some cheap and cheerful tulips and some new (in the sale) bath oil to soak in later
• Left a penny for somebody else to find
• Left some change in the self check out coin tray to cheer up the next weary shopper
• Took my time poring over a new book
• Lingered outside a pretty shop window enjoying the spring display (since 'tis also the spring Equinox today)
• Gave my husband a great big hug after a long and silly day at work
• Snuggled down in front of some nice cooking programmes and a series we're watching together
• Shared it all with you.

Nothing big. Nothing earth shattering. Nothing special. But all with happiness in mind, and happiness in my heart.

If I have made even just one person a teeny weeny smidgeon happier today, then I have done my bit and I can go to bed happy.

Sweet dreams x

UN International Day of Happiness

Well, it's here!  The first ever day dedicated purely to inspiring and spreading happiness.

This day marks a resolution by all 193 United Nations members to give happiness a greater priority. To recognise that progress should be just as much about human happiness and wellbeing as it is about economic growth (and how related the two are depends on who you talk to but the point is to focus not on economic growth at all costs, but on the more important end result of human happiness and wellbeing).

For more information about the day and why and how it came about click below:

Action for Happiness on UN International Day of Happiness

The main message for this year's Happy Day is to ACT:

A: Affirm the Pledge - make a personal pledge to try to create more happiness in the world
C: Cheer Happy Heroes - celebrate the people who bring you and others happiness
T: Take part - do something to mark the day and spread some happiness

The idea is to concentrate on spreading happiness to others. Obviously because that way more people are reached, but also because one of the best ways to generate your own happiness, is to first make others happy.

You can take the pledge and find lots of ideas on how to get involved and all the events going on at a specially dedicated day of happiness website.

But for now, here are some of my own simple ideas for how you can spread some happiness today (and beyond!). And by the way, I have personally tried all of these so can vouch for them!

• Make a point of smiling at people you pass in the street. Many may think you're a bit loopy but you're guaranteed to get a few smiles back and give somebody a little lift
• In fact, just smile fullstop. That bonkers bloke on Ally McBeal who was always doing 'smile therapy' actually had a point...it's proven that smiling can make you feel happier as well as the other way round! Plus a smiler is nicer to look at than a grump for everyone else
• Make or buy somebody you wouldn't normally a tea or coffee, apropos of absolutely nothing other than making them happy
• Leave a little bit of small change in a vending machine or ticket machine for the next person to find
• Phone a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while who you know will appreciate it
• Pay a few randoms a compliment: "ooh, that cardigan really suits you!" and watch the effect it has
• Say thank you. A lot. Especially to somebody who has always been there for you but maybe you've not really expressed quite how grateful you are
• Hug! Be careful with that one...there are those who celebrate random hugging but just pick your victims carefully!
• Get outside, walk around, get some fresh air, go for a walk
• Do something different
• Teach somebody about something you know and love 
• Learn a new skill
• Let somebody who you know isn't very happy at the moment that you're there and that you care
• Cheer your happy heroes with #happyheroes or using the Cheers app - let them know who they are
• Offer your services to somebody who could do with them, or volunteer
• Donate to Action for Happiness
• Write a letter to somebody who isn't into texting and email but never gets letters anymore
• Get lost in something you love, get into 'flow'
• Share and retweet all the news you see about  #happyday and #happyheroes to spread the word
• Savour the moment, enjoy it, live in it rather than worrying about the one coming next
• Share the moment
• If it floats your boat, meditate. If not, at least be mindful, especially of how you're reacting to others
• Force yourself, if something crappy happens, to reframe it, to find a new angle on it, to see it from a different perspective and to find a positive even if only a tiny glimmer. Then share it
• Choose today to start your own happiness habit...read my other blog posts or my facebook page The Happy Catalyst for plenty of ideas and inspiration
• End the day by finding and mulling over three things you're grateful for today
• Enjoy it!

I'd love to hear your own ideas of how we can all spread happiness today and beyond in the comments box below so please do share.

I hope everybody has a really happy Happiness Day, whatever you're doing, and that little by little we get the message out there that happiness and wellbeing are truly what matter most.

x